Told

We went to USA Baby today to pick out new upholstery for our glide rocker. Seems what we first ordered was discontinued. This puzzles me because we generally have our fingers on the pulse of American popular culture. Not so with glide rocker upholstery, apparently.

Couples in baby stores are always so serious. There's like an unspoken rule that you need to be solemn and mature, as if acknowledging that everyone in the store is as over their heads as you.

We also looked at the bumper that goes around the inside of the crib. Picture a room with padded walls and now picture it in a crib. Julie read somewhere, or perhaps it was a Fox News feature, that a puffy bumper increases the likelihood that your baby will roll over in her sleep and get her face lost in the puff, resulting in (bum bum bum...) certain death.

Ever the voice of reason, I shared with Julie analysis of our nation's culture of fear and suggested that USA Baby probably would not sell products that led to certain death. A somber husband and wife looked up from their hushed conversation about mobiles. The husband shook his head at me as if to say, you poor, stupid bastard.

Julie wheeled around and stuck her finger in my chest, her eyes bugged out almost as far as her belly. "I don't care about your little culture of fear B.S. If one bumper is even slightly safer than another one, then that's what I'm getting for my daughter."

The husband by the mobile suppressed a smirk, and his wife hit his shoulder to redirect his attention. Julie's finger remained glued to my sternum as I said, "How about you pick one out, and I'll agree with you?"

"That's better."

***Update***

The bumper is only decorative? Well, screw that! And here I thought it served some grand purpose, like preventing bedbugs from creeping in through the bars. You've got to be constantly vigilant, people. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy all those Baby Einstein DVDs, essential for admission into a top-tier nursery school. I mean come on: it's Einstein.