Neurotic

I've started to feel this pit-of-the-stomach dread. I don't suppose it's all that uncommon among parents-to-be. I think mine is compounded by the fact that my days this summer have provided little in the way of brain stimulation. Teaching is the perfect profession to get you to stop thinking about yourself. Summer, though? What else is there to think about?

I seem to be fixated on the myriad ways things could go awry. I don't even mean the baby's health, because for some reason that is so utterly out of my control that it doesn't occupy my thoughts. Child care, though. Money. Whether I'll even be good at parenting. Whether I'll lose track of all my friends. Those are the thoughts that turn irrational for me when I should be sleeping.

Action helps. Today I have been researching childcare. If Julie delivers mid-November and goes back to work mid-Februaryish, then that gives us roughly four months until my summer "vacation" starts again. One question I'm looking into is, could I just, like, not work then? I'll be starting my 8th year in this district, I'm tenured, and I like it. I am not willing to simply resign my position. But an unpaid leave...now that would be sweet.

But impossible, I'm afraid. So onward. Montessori programs look good to me right now. But who knows?

I'm saying "But" a lot, and therein lies the problem. I suppose at some point you just close your eyes, roll the dice, and hope to God you don't accidentally destroy everything around you.