Points

I do not believe salvation depends on good works. To me, such an ideology encourages self-deceit, encourages the thought, "I am good and therefore worthy of salvation." When in actuality, we are all vain, self-serving, and Earth-obsessed. Okay, not you, but everyone else. Our attraction to sin is infinite, our frailty and fallibility boundless. Grace, not works, will save us.

However, wifeliness is not godliness, which is why our marriage works on a figurative points system, specifically husband points. By earning husband points, which are not unlike Schrute Bucks, I stay in Julie's good graces.

Trouble is, I never have enough of them. I should mention that there's no such thing as wife points.

Today I made pannercakes and bacon, cleaned the garage, and mowed the lawn, effectively earning 47 husband points. My grand total sits at 468. This evening I will spend 100 husband points by attending a poker game. If I end up in the money, I get 87 points back. If I come home and chatter about the game's highlights, SportsCenter-style, it will cost me 53.

You get the idea, and you also must appreciate the importance of maintaining a positive balance. Dip into the negative, and marriage becomes hell.

I'm bracing myself for the delivery room, where I could earn up to 300 points or lose up to 10,000 depending on my behavior and Julie's whim. Meanwhile, I think it's best that I bolster my reserves, otherwise God save me.