Showers

We've had four baby showers. Two were thrown by our respective colleagues. I couldn't make it to Julie's, but I'm sure it was very girly. They went in on a gift card to a website that lets you design your own diaper bag. And oh my. You can do anything, basically. Julie's will fold out into a changing table, robot arms will come out and do the changing for her, and then it'll give her the candy-bar of her choice. It also has a digital clock.

My colleagues threw us a shower, too. There were homemade desserts, people milling about, and various gifts including a Target card that 32 people contributed to. Julie made it for that one, thank the sweet Lord, because can you imagine a baby shower where the pregnant lady doesn't come? How awkward would that be, to have people show up, look around, not see any pregnant people, and then try to conjure excuses to leave? Oh, it's just the husband here? Hmm...I was hoping to see a gigantic stomach today. Well, I guess I'll grab a cupcake and sneak out. Damn, did he see me? Run! Run!

Julie's high school friends threw her a shower, which I did not have to attend because no men were allowed. I have no idea what transpired at this party, but I can only guess that it involved diaper games, makeovers, and husband-gossip.

For those of you in my extended family who might be reading this and thinking, "What the EFF?!" note that my mother is planning a December post-baby shower, and you will be invited. Which reminds me: one of the complications of baby showers is the multiple categories of people in your life. There are work people, immediate family, extended family, old friends, new friends, and people who fall in multiple categories. Add to it the fact that as the new parents, you are not in charge of anything, including the invitation lists, which the planners do their best with. You hope that during the five or six showers you have, everyone in your life who's interested in your baby will be invited to at least one of them. If they're not, then I suppose they need to speak up or throw their own shower.

And if you throw a shower for someone, make it exactly like the one Julie's sisters and mom threw for us:

1. Make it at the new parents' house. That way, the parents will do all the cleaning they should do anyway for the baby, but will put off until it's too late. Having it here caused us to finalize the nursery, redo the dog fence, and buy the area rug for our living room.

2. Show up an hour before the party starts, and tell the new parents to get the hell out. Give them a Starbucks card and show them the door. Tell them they are welcome to come back in one hour. Then decorate while they're gone.

3. Use an open house format so people can come and leave as they wish. Have music playing and chairs set up in various places, but no structure beyond that. If there's a big TV in the living room, put the football game on mute.

4. Make the women bring their men. Call it a couples shower. Promise beer, chili, and the aforementioned football game. It's just a party, tell them, but the guests of honor happen to be wickedly pregnant.

5. New parent games, such as "Pin the diaper on the baby" or "Find the rectal thermometer" are strictly prohibited.

Finally, if you're the new parents, do what we did. When the time comes when everyone insists you open presents, recognize the party buzz-kill inherent in this activity. If you pass cards around, ooh and ahh about everything, and generally take your sweet time, everyone will want to kill you. Instead, do these three things:

1. Let the father open every single present. That's what he wants to do anyway, and all the mother wants to do is sit there and eat nachos. Trust me.

2. Be quick about the unwrapping, but make smart-ass comments about each item. If someone gives you the insulated bag you'll use to transport the pumped breast milk from work to home, the father should exclaim, "Fantastic! Now the breast milk won't rot!" See, this is the advantage to letting the father do the unwrapping: he'll have a comment for everything. "Butt lotion! Oh thank God!" Then say "I'll be right back" and pretend like you're leaving with it. And so on.

3. Make sure the party planners immediately bag the wrappings and bring them to your garage.

That's all you need to know about baby showers. I wasn't a believer in them until now, but they really did make me feel like I was cared for, like Julie and I weren't alone on an island with this pregnancy. Plus, we made out like bandits.