Brain

Julie's pregnancy has slowed her brain's processing speed. She loses keys, forgets where she put the remote, and is less successful at crossword puzzles.

Still, in one specific way, pregnancy has enhanced her brain. It has made her into a superhero of sorts. She is now able to criticize me at lightning speed on a boundless array of topics.

Last night we played a game, kind of a free-association exercise. I said a word, and she connected that word to something objectionable about me. Read the following dialogue without pausing, and you'll get the idea.

"Car."

"You either drive like a grandpa or like you're trying to kill people."

"Frame."

"You think it takes lasers and a ruler to hang a picture, and it still ends up crooked."

"Shelves."

"You can't build shelves without whining like a little girly man."

"Window."

"You've never cleaned one since I've known you."

"Rumpelstiltskin."

"That's just stupid."

"Incredible! That was amazing; nice work, honey! You wanna go upstairs and, you know--"

"[Edited to preserve the dignity of the husband]"

"The game's over, Julie. We're not playing anymore."

"Quitter."

I have a new theory. I've heard from several women that their brains take a vacation during pregnancy. I don't think that's true, though. The pregnant brain just narrows its focus.