Relief

Everything is okay.

That said, last night Julie woke up in pretty excruciating pain. We've read all about round ligament pain and of course we're aware that she gets non-labor contractions. Still, this pain was different and worse. So we called the nurse line at 12:30 in the morning.

And what does the nurse say to all pregnant women? Say it with me, kids: "You should come in right away."

OB-Gyns get sued more than any other doctor. It makes sense: if something bad happens with our baby, my rage rays will immediately zero in on anyone in the room that is not Julie. Consequently, nurses and doctors won't tell a pregnant woman, "Chill girl, you're pregnant. It's painful sometimes." Instead it's, "We'll need a blood test to make sure your liver hasn't eaten your pancreas."

So we found ourselves back in the hospital, same room in fact. The cervix door is still vacuum sealed, the baby is still a one-woman kick-line, and Julie's liver gets a gold star. The contraction Richter scale monitor was drawing the Himalayas, though. It's great to look at your wife grimacing and then look at the monitor and see that it's a contraction resembling K2.

But nothing is wrong, technically. It's a blessing, obviously, but we definitely wanted some medication to treat pain that was bad enough to send us to the hospital in the middle of the night. To put it another way, at 5:30 in the morning, we wanted to hear more from the doctor than "You should try Maalox."

I don't think you read that closely enough or truly processed it, so I'll repeat it: "You should try Maalox." These doctors insist you come in, insist that you rot in that room for four hours and then tell you to go to Walgreens for Maalox--which makes you never want to err on the side of caution again. I've already offered to edit this doctor's next scholarly article, tentatively titled, "Maalox and Pregnant Pain: Putting the Hypocrite Back into the Hypocratic Oath." The other title she's considering is "Diagnosis: Tummy Ache."

Makes us feel like whiners, like nervous first-timers. When you're pregnant and in agony, it's nice to hear that your baby is okay and you're not in labor. It's not fun to have the intense pain trivialized. But we'll give Maalox a shot; what the hell. And if it doesn't work, then maybe we'll get crazy and try Rolaids.