Overdue

Here she is overdue, bright eyed and ready for work. This is what cuckoo looks like. I keep telling her that her maternity leave should start at this instant. I wish someone else would mandate it, her boss or something, just say "Julie, you are done. I don't even want to hear from you again until March. Email me when you have the baby--but that's it."

Julie didn't actually go to work today. During her doctor appointment, the doctor stripped her membrane. I know that sounds perverted, and actually it kind of is. I think I have a basic understanding, so here goes. You might want to take a deep breath.

The birth canal is like a chimney. The baby is Santa, with a great big sack of fluid, or toys. Trouble is, the toy sack gets stuck to the side of the chimney, so Santa decides to chill with Rudolph the red-nosed placenta rather than come down the chimney. Apparently, when the doctor unsticks the toy sack from the chimney wall, Santa sometimes says to himself, "Hey, wasn't Christmas yesterday?"

Of course, it doesn't always work. Sometimes it does. But anyway, if that was your chimney, you wouldn't go to work later either.

Julie had already scheduled to work from home tomorrow, but she's planning to go to work on Monday. Did you pay attention to that sentence? She's planning to go to work on Monday. One of her colleagues emailed her the following refreshingly sane suggestions:

1. Demand all statuses be done at the Dairy Queen. If they want your time, you should be nourishing your body before labor.

2. During statuses or meetings hold your stomach and start looking at your watch as to time fake contractions.

3. Two minutes before the end of a meeting stand up and say “It's time” and walk out. Count how many people come out after you to see if you are in labor or if they just think you have another meeting to attend.

4. Place an Out of Office message that states “I am going to have a baby soon so please don’t email me again until March of 2009. If you need immediate assistance find someone that is not 10 months pregnant.”

5. Work from 10-3 today. Leave and let others know you are just too uncomfortable to be here!

I'm afraid Julie read the suggestions with fingers in ears, singing to herself "La la la la la la la." I mean look at her in that picture above: she seriously thought she was going to work this morning. Let's hope she has the baby by Monday so I don't have to put my husband-foot down.